Day Thirty Four.
I'm now over one month sober. What this basically means is that I can no longer hide behind the banner of "Dry January", as I have been thus far. In practical terms, I'm going to have to navigate my way around various social events (beginning tomorrow), and continuing over the weekend. I realise that this is what it will be like now, and must be like for every alcoholic who no longer drinks. It won't just be tomorrow evening, or saturday or sunday, but a hassle at each and every occasion from now on. I wish I could restrict myself to two or three pints of beer and leave it there, but that isn't how this works. I keep going until I pass out. I don't know why and I don't know how not to. I also feel sad and angry simultaneously, ugly parts of myself that have been growing noticeably at a steady rate for the last couple of years. That shit is still there, a permanent tattoo on my mind, I worry.
I'm scared of what will happen if I drink again. The physical aspect, and what it will do to hammer my body so violently after this period of sobriety. But also how it'll affect my psyche - of letting myself down in such a spectacularly pathetic way.
I'm finding the Reddit threads on alcoholism interesting, and in some places - comforting. It's very hard to do this alone.
- UnderReCover
